Help! I Have a Crush and It Hurts: When Infatuation is Dysfunctional

It can be fun to meet someone and catch feelings, but sometimes these feelings mutate, get out of hand and frankly, hurt like hell. Let’s do some damage control.

My Facebook friends know about my gym crush capers. It’s fascinating to me that these tongue-in-cheek posts receive the most comments and laugh, like and love emojis. However, between you and me, I think it’s because developing a hard crush on someone and agonising over whether they feel the same is no laughing matter. It’s something a lot of people have had to grapple with.

Sure, being sweet on a sexy so-and-so can add some chakalaka spice to your life, but when it goes a bit ‘bos’, it can cause emotional upheaval, obsessive behaviour, and a detrimental loss of perspective. Then, it’s not cool. It’s kaka.

Doing some online research on this topic I was blown away by all the messages I received, raw and unfiltered. Some of you have been through the most! Thank you for trusting me with your stories.

Crush and Burn

Bizarrely, it usually happens in the aftermath of meeting a lekker person. Someone magnetic and intriguing. Someone fascinating and charming who then becomes bewitching, and eventually, all-consuming. On these occasions, the mind takes an attractive person that you don’t really know and uses this figure like a weapon to inflict self-harm. Imagine gripping a Beaulah and using him/her/them to bash yourself with like a baseball bat, but all in your head.

What starts off as an innocent crush can sometimes morph into a terrible monster. You might agonise over how this person must be “out of my league” and use all their positive attributes to list your imagined inferior characteristics in comparison. Thoughts like, “someone like that could never be into someone like me” etc. But you can’t know that for sure because you’re not a mind reader.

A scenario that is supposed to be pleasant (Yay! I like someone!) that ends up leaving you in a puddle of inadequacy and toxic self-loathing. Through no fault of their own, this poor person seems to be unknowingly stabbing you in the heart repeatedly because you find them pretty. But it’s probably not their intention nor is it their fault. Luckily, you can nip this problem (not this person) in the booty.

Indecent Obsessions

I doubt a lot of people wake up one day and spontaneously decide to become a stalker or a ‘bunny boiler’. Presumably, these problematic pastimes sneak up on us when an infatuation is allowed to run wild until it becomes an obsession.

Although related, this is another dark alley we can go down some other time in another article but suffice to say that we should always try to refer to our conscience and innate sense of right and wrong before our impulses and compulsiveness gets a chance to take over. My rule of thumb is, when in doubt, don’t.

These painful feelings are the problem that need to be dealt with, not the person your imagination is fixated on. Might help to consider “this Bruh did nothing wrong, it’s my booboo that I feel this way”. It’s about looking within more than seeking for solutions outside yourself via someone else.

When a good crush goes bad it’s known as limerence. Limerence is a “state of involuntary obsession with another person,” according to Psychology Today. It’s a one-sided desire to be desired and is usually not about falling in love. “The focus of limerence is the mental obsession of whether the object of limerence feels the same way toward you. It is the fantasizing that’s exciting, more than the realisation of the fantasy,” explains the mental health resource.

When infatuations take up most of our bandwidth and we start to feel bad it can be tempting to feel resentment towards this person. However, as is usually the case, it’s probably best to treat the person with the utmost respect and not to intrude on their privacy. In fact, one of the tactics you’ll find suggested below may be to distance yourself from the person completely, until you have some sort of grip on your feelings and can trust yourself to make good decisions.

At the end of the day, no means no. So, if we do alert someone to our burgeoning feelings towards them, regardless of how much it sucks to feel rejected, we need to honour their freedom of choice. The same freedom of choice we want and need. It’s only fairsies.

How to Crush it Good

It might help to remember that this person is not a Greek God/ess but just another flawed, fearful, farting, and fabulous human being. These are inflated feelings built on unqualified assumptions based on someone that we usually know sweet-fanny-adams about. It’s projection and objectification blended with an imagination drunk on energy drinks. Issa lot!

It’s not love, and that’s what we really want, isn’t it? And proper love, the real makoya, is only possible when you get to know someone and see their flaws and foibles as well as how fine they look in a pair of jeans.

If you suspect that your infatuations may start to border on the dysfunctional, get some help. It can cause serious problems for you and those around you and you don’t deserve that. Here are a few smol’ anyana tips from some mental health experts just to get you started…

• Recognise it for what it is: Infatuation. Dr Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, explains that infatuation is driven by a surge of dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and reward. This rush can create a feeling of euphoria, but it’s important to distinguish between the temporary high of infatuation and the deeper, more stable emotions associated with love.
• A more practical approach from Dr Guy Winch, a psychologist, suggests unfollowing the person on social media or avoiding situations where you’re likely to encounter them. This physical and emotional distance can provide the space needed to gain perspective and focus on your own life.
• Dr Aaron Beck, a pioneer of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, suggests writing down your thoughts and examining the evidence for and against them. This practice can help you recognise cognitive distortions and develop a more balanced perspective. Over time, this can reduce the intensity of your infatuation and help you regain control over your emotions.
• Therapist and author, Esther Perel, emphasises the importance of self-compassion during this process. She advises individuals to be gentle with themselves and recognise that infatuation is a natural human experience, but it doesn’t have to define your life.

Eish, dear hearts. Romance should be rewarding and not a reason to harm ourselves. I wish you a love that builds you up instead of a longing that takes you down. 

If you have endured the terrible squash of a crush, know that you’re not alone. Here are a few anonymous comments and stories that were shared with me that may bring you some comfort.

“My biggest struggle with crushes has been, ‘is it a crush? Or is it just limerence?’ Do I want to be with this person truly? Or am I idealising them to take a holiday from reality?”

“I don’t mind a no, just be forthcoming on your answer (I may even be relieved) ignoring me is my kryptonite”.

“So yeah… I would say crushes are only great if you know that you know the person is feeling the same. If not, it’s best to leave them alone and think of a friendship. And if it’s going to hurt. Stay away because you’ll likely end up feeling more hurt at the end of it.”

“I’ve always coped with that in a very special way, especially when I was ghosted, I’d just pretend they had passed away, which gave me closure! Dark, but it works. 😜”

“The first step in coping with unrequited love is to allow yourself to feel. Accepting the situation doesn’t mean you have to like it, but it does mean you’re taking a step toward emotional freedom.
Consider creating some distance, at least temporarily. This doesn’t mean you have to cut them out of your life entirely, but giving yourself space can help you gain perspective and reduce the intensity of your feelings.
And then the rest kinda just flows like focusing on Self-Care, seeking support, and redirecting your energy.
And I would say most importantly to Reflect and Learn from this.”

“Unrequited love can teach you so much. Humility, acceptance, and non-attachment. Yet, if you’re relating from trauma, it will feel devastating and trigger abandonment and rejection wounds.”

Bruce J. Little is a journalist, copywriter and playwright from Johannesburg.