Queer Life: You Can’t Achieve Everything You Set Your Mind To – That’s A Good Thing

Like many queer kids, I was bullied when I was a sweet young thing. However, I was also very fortunate because I got a lot of love and support from the adults in my life. Many teachers and family members encouraged and believed in me, which was an immeasurable gift, one that keeps on giving.

They also often told me I could achieve anything I set my mind to. They were wrong – thank God.

Let me explain. I spent almost eighteen years of my life trying to be heterosexual. I worked at it tirelessly day and night. I prayed, lied, pretended, and did anything and everything I could to deny my true nature. I was going to “fix” myself because I believed my sexuality was a mistake at best and an unforgivable sin -condemned by God himself- at worst.

It was unending torture, and yet I can safely say that I gave it my all. I was focused. I was committed. I was disciplined. I had a clear vision and a specific goal and didn’t give up for over fifteen years. This is one failure though for which I will forever be grateful.

Failure sucks until it doesn’t

There have been other failures that I’m not quite as grateful for. My dreams of being a KTV presenter, fashion model, Muscle Mary, gay white kwaito star and Springbok rugby player’s spouse have not been realised. Maybe some of them will someday. Maybe I didn’t have the genes, skills, opportunities, or luck to realise these goals? Or perhaps I didn’t try hard enough?

I have had to make peace with the fact that some of these things will never come to pass and that is just how life works sometimes. Embracing this stoic attitude has saved me a lot of pain, self-judgement, and bitterness.

Not the best advice

We want the people we care about to believe in themselves. We want them to have tenacity and to work hard to achieve their dreams. So, we say and do what we can to encourage and support them. This is rad – but telling them they can achieve anything they set their minds to may not be the best way to go about it. It’s just not true. Life is complex, we all have our strengths and weaknesses. We all face our own limitations, ill-fortune, and complexity.

We may indeed be able to overcome insurmountable odds and accomplish things that most people would deem impossible but a major part of surviving and thriving in life is knowing when to throw in the towel and move on. It’s also important to know when not to give up and that’s why life isn’t easy.

Also, things change. What I wanted to achieve in my twenties is not necessarily what I wish to achieve now. And having not achieved some of those things has opened the way for even better things to have come about. When we believe that we can achieve anything we set our minds to but then don’t, this often leads to harsh self-criticism. “I’m not good enough”, “I didn’t try hard enough”, “I don’t deserve it”, and that nasty pearler, “There must be something wrong with me” etc.

Entitled to what?

Disappointment, loss and failure are unavoidable aspects of the human experience. Moreover, these things can make us or indeed break us if we don’t learn to accept them. Social media is deceptive in that it makes successful people appear to avoid failure when the opposite is often true.

Inventor, Thomas Edison is famous for having said: “I have not failed 10,000 times—I’ve successfully found 10,000 ways that will not work.” I doubt his Instagram account would’ve featured many of the 10,000 lightbulbs he created that flopped if he had one at the time.

Dare to dream anyway

There is a very real possibility that your goal or dream may not be achievable but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give it a try. In fact, when we achieve something that seemed unlikely it makes it that much more of a triumph instead of merely an inevitability because we “set our minds to it”.

Achievements are organic things that shift and evolve as we do, and they should motivate and liberate us rather than restrict and oppress us. If a goal is past its sell by date, it’s probably time to find a new one and let it go. But, if it’s realistic, achievable and your soul aches for it then continue to give it all that you’ve got because why the hell not?

I’m not religious but this topic reminds me of the Serenity Prayer, which is associated with but not exclusive to Alcoholics Anonymous. I think it’s applicable to this topic too. “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.”