Dating and Online Hookup Safety Tips

Dating on sites and apps is fun, but you should be wary of people who may not be who they appear to be, may take advantage of you or could cause you harm.

Over the years, we have received numerous reports of LGBTQ individuals who’ve been brutalised, abused and robbed after meeting strangers via online dating services.

Here are some meet-up or hookup safety tips that could help you be safer.

1) What should I avoid?

• Look out for stories or comments that contradict things the other person might have said before. Be aware of any lying and deceit. It could be minor, but they could be hiding more serious issues.

• Avoid giving out your physical address too easily and to just any guy you meet online. Try to get to know him by chatting over a few days.

• Avoid anyone that starts asking for some kind of financial assistance or money (unless, of course, this was something made clear up front and you are willing to pay for sex).

• Don’t leave expensive items lying around if you invite a stranger to your home. Put away any items of value – wallet, laptop, money etc.

• Don’t get too drunk or high when going out or hooking up at a stranger’s place. Rather do this in a safe environment. If you’re drunk and/or high you are more likely to take risks.

• Don’t do anything that you don’t feel comfortable doing. If it feels wrong, scary or dangerous, rather leave the situation.

2) What should I do?

• If you are hooking up regularly, consider getting onto PrEP, the HIV prevention pill. You can get it free from some of the LGBTQ-friendly clinics listed below.

• Exchange phone numbers. Talk over the phone before meeting him. Even better; do a video call and take screenshots.

• Set up a mutual buddy system with a friend. If you go to your hookup’s place, tell your friend the location, inform them when you arrive and instruct them to get help if you don’t send an “all’s okay” text message after 15 or 30 minutes. Your friend can do the same with you when they have a date.

• Go with your gut and always trust your instincts. If something doesn’t feel right, then don’t take the risk.

• Ideally, organise to first meet the guy in a public place, say for coffee or a drink, before hooking-up. Be seen with him by other people and if you feel comfortable then consider going home with him or taking him to your place.

• If you meet him at a club or bar, introduce him to a friend and let your friend know that you’re leaving with the guy.

• Be prepared. What will you do if the guy arrives and he turns out not to be who or what you expected or hoped for?

• Be aware of your surroundings. Is there an opportunity for you to leave if he becomes aggressive? Are there people around?

• Rather than inviting someone to your home or going to his, it is probably safer to meet him at a sex club or steam bath, where there are other people around.

• Pay attention to where your drink is coming from. Is it being poured out of your sight, is it in an open bottle? Your drinks can be easily spiked leaving you unconscious or vulnerable.

• If you’re going to a guy’s place and use condoms and water-based lube (always recommended), take your own. Don’t assume that he will have this available.

• Be concerned if the guy refuses to use condoms or water-based lube or doesn’t know about or use PrEP. Just because he’s stunning or you’re feeling hot n’ heavy doesn’t mean you should risk your health.

• If you do end up having unprotected sex or your condom breaks, contact a gay-friendly clinic such as OUT’s Engage Men’s Health service (in Johannesburg and Eastern Cape), Aurum Pop Inn (Ehlanzeni, Ekurhuleni, Ethekwini, Tshwane and Umgungundlovu), the Ivan Toms Centre (Cape Town), or a doctor for a course of PEP within 72 hours to avoid becoming infected with HIV.

• Report the profile of anyone who is a catfish (pretending to be someone else) or scammer to the site or service that you met him on. Help protect others.

3) What should I do if get attacked, blackmailed or robbed?

• Remember, you have done nothing wrong. While you may feel partly to blame or embarrassed / ashamed that something happened while on a date, you are the victim. No one is entitled to hurt, attack, rob, humiliate or abuse you for any reason whatsoever – even if you were just hooking up for sex. You have the right to seek justice.

• Deal with your health first. Make sure you get checked out and that you are physically okay. If you are concerned about HIV,  contact a gay-friendly clinic such as OUT’s Engage Men’s Health service (in Johannesburg and Eastern Cape), Aurum Pop Inn (Ehlanzeni, Ekurhuleni, Ethekwini, Tshwane and Umgungundlovu), or the Ivan Toms Centre (Cape Town) for a course of PEP within 72 hours to avoid becoming infected with HIV.

• If you feel secure or safe enough, report what happened to the police. Be prepared to face a possible lack of interest or discriminatory behavior by officers, so go with a friend if you can.

• Report the incident to OUT. They can assist you in following up your case and/or can provide you with general support and advice. (You do not have to have reported the incident to the police to contact them.)

• Get counseling or speak to someone about it. These incidents can take an emotional and psychological toll on any person. Sharing it with someone (ideally a counselor) will help. Contact Queerwell (Johannesburg), OUT LGBT Well-being, Triangle Project (Cape Town), Uthingo Network (PMB) or the Durban Lesbian & Gay Community & Health Centre to refer you to someone.