My Indian family prefers the closet
Naufal (right) recently married Riyaad, the love of his life
This has to be the most frank piece that I will ever write about being gay in the Indian culture; drawing truth from my own reality of living with homophobia in my family.
At the age of 35, I will no longer use adjectives such as painful, heartless and other dramatic descriptions to enunciate the feelings that one experiences being gay and bashed within the constructs of an Indian family.
In my early twenties, my sexual orientation was placed on the front page of Sunday’s most loved Indian newspaper, the ‘Sunday Times Extra.’ I was okay with that; I felt no fear or shame about my sexuality. The news spread like wildfire across my family, causing a number of them to rush out to purchase a copy of the paper to see for themselves the shame that I’d brought upon my parents.
There was immediate denial of my existence by most of them, some just laughed and others said I would change my mind at some stage. I still haven’t changed my mind. And it’s been almost a decade. Sorry folks! I’m still a raging Indian, Muslim/Hindu, queer. I belong to three minority identities that make up me.
While I still love my family, I feel their love has changed. I’ve given up on trying to show them that I am still the same person I was before I shared my attraction for men with them.
My family finally started speaking to me two years after my outing but there was nothing but an emptiness that to this day remains the same. I’ve not changed. I am still their provider, more than just financially, but I realized no matter how much money I throw at them I am no longer part of this family. I am as good as dead to them.
I’m not allowed to talk about my sexuality or talk about my #mancrush, or of someone potentially being my life partner. The television is quickly changed to another channel if any lesbian or gay content pops up.
The very word ‘gay’ struck fear that I would ‘turn’ my younger family queer at some stage. Yes, that backward train of thought that exists.
God forbid if Imran Vagar would appear on television! He would be blamed for some of my homosexuality. That’s how it is; I say ‘is’ as that’s still how the reality in most Indian homes.
I am not looking for pity here, I’m good; the one thing I do have is common sense. I will never in a million years be able to change perceptions in my closeted family, but I can tell you this much: I’ve changed where my love is directed – to me.
If you can identify with me in your Indian home and if you are shattered by emotional abuse that comes in tiny doses from your family, you can change your approach. Be fabulous and cut the cord. This is the best advice I can give you. You deserve more than the fake love that you know you are receiving.
Bye Felicia!
Absolutely honest!
This is raw and emotional – it’s like reading my own life story.
Hello
Thanks for your frankness
Although on the flip side there are many 50plus ppl who are respectful of gay ppl. In a Hindu Social Activist who pushes the boundaries. Let’s join forces and help other gay friends on w/ a 0844910886. Tnx
Thanks for your article… What a handsome couple and big ups for putting yourselves out there 🙂
I’m Indian as well, in my 40’s and have been with my partner (white, late 50’s) for 16 years. We fight like “cats & dogs” but we love each other unconditionally. My story is similar to yours but eventually my family did come around and accept us as a couple.
This discrimination that we are faced with is like any other type of discrimination, i.e. people are afraid of “different”, afraid of losing / straying away of what they were instilled with; afraid of change, etc. and I guarantee that you yourself have something that you discriminate against. My point is, put yourself in their shoes and try to understand how they feel……our Indian culture is generally conservative but “conservativeness” varies from community to community, i.e. an Indian family from, let’s say Unit 9 Chatsworth as compared to family in Rylands, Cape Town DO surely have different levels of acceptance although religion and cultures are the same. People all over the world base their lives on what is socially acceptable to their community and family; a front page news article must have hit them so hard and enforced all the negative emotions.
I believe that the difference is due to community and social pressures of the current time and eventually with time people will slowly start embracing change, damn, I see old aunties and grannies in Chatsworth Centre on their smart phones, wearing western brand clothes, eating western food, etc. communities are changing, so try to look at the bigger picture, do you really want to lose / write off your family because they haven’t been exposed to such lifestyles? What example are you setting for the children of your family / extended family? What if your nephew is gay, who will help him in your family? You guys have set a great example by declaring your love for each other publicly, I am sure that you have inspired many that are stuck in the closet, NOW, do the same for your family, help them see that love has no boundaries.
Please DO NOT give up on your FAMILY, they will come around.