PREY
I feel like such an idiot. I have just been conned. I spent half the day chatting on Facebook and then via text to a ‘gorgeous Harvard graduate’. Even after all the bad spelling and shocking grammar, I still tried to convince myself he really was a doctor. Not just any doctor; a doctor who has lived and travelled around the world and saved many lives whilst maintaining an exquisite physique. And, what’s more, he seemed interested in me.
I am so naïve. Very few of his pictures are even of the same person and they are all presumably stolen from other sites and profiles. He probably didn’t even finish high school and judging by his need for forgery is – I would guess – an unfortunate looking chap. I was lonely and hopeful. I was the perfect prey.
There are rumours of a serial killer (or killers) preying on single gay men in Gauteng. Six men have already been found murdered (some in their beds). There is no evidence of forced entry and speculation of a ‘date’ having taken place is assumed due to evidence of wine having been consumed on site before the murder in at least one of the cases. Gossip via the gay-grapevine has it that the victims were on dating websites.
It appears they willingly gave entry to the murderer or murderers as they had presumably arranged a date or get-together with the life-snatcher/s. The murderer may very well be a charming and attractive man. I could very easily have been a victim too if I had been unlucky (as could many of my friends and acquaintances). I am also single, warm-blooded and looking for love. It could’ve been me.
Just the other day I met the loveliest man (also via the internet) and shamelessly proceeded to throw myself and my projections at him until he ran away in self-defence. We had a tiny whirlwind romance (more like a mini dust storm, actually). I watched myself in horror as I became all clingy and desperate for his approval and acceptance.
“There are dozens of us parading around with ‘false profiles’ hoping to pull the pink wool over everyone else’s eyes…”
I wanted him to see me. I realised how invisible I felt when I met him and I wanted him to verify my existence and scoop me up out of my isolation. I wanted him to help me prove that I was “a real boy,” like Pinocchio. Because I had stopped believing that I was. But it wasn’t in his job description and that kind of intensity is admittedly quite repulsive.
In the aftermath I have had a ‘light bulb’ moment and realised that I have self-esteem as low as an Amy Winehouse joke. And it was low even before my little romance storm arrived and then blew over. I don’t feel rich, famous, sexy, talented or muscular enough. I am not “man” enough, for me.
I have become my own worst critic. I am not fishing for compliments or hoping for a wave of praise and reassurance from friends and family who read this. I appreciate all the constant love and support but it’s not what you think that’s the problem. I have been measuring myself and found myself wanting.
I have been judging and sentencing myself. Bringing the hammer down on my long awkward arms and legs and less-than-flat stomach. Slamming my inadequate and erratic income, criticising my unpredictable and inconsistent career and knocking my inability to find and maintain a meaningful intimate relationship with a significant other.
I know I have achieved a lot, that I am loved and have great potential. But I am stifled under the weight of my own ambitions and shattered illusions. I look around me and I see that I am not the only one. There are dozens of us parading around with ‘false profiles’ hoping to pull the pink wool over everyone else’s eyes but, more than anything, trying to convince ourselves that we are worthy of our own merciless approval.
Self-help books have made self-love into a running joke. I don’t know what to believe any more. Yet I know that self-love is the key to end all my woes. I wonder how I should go about building myself up. How does one fall for oneself?
Perhaps I should go meditate and chant in India, pig-out in Italy, fall in love in Bali and discover that elusive “secret” – and then come home and publish an international bestseller called “Eat, Gay, Love”.
I love this BRUCE keep it up. So true………..we need to open our eyes.
Don’t beat yourself up, I think we’ve all done the same thing at least once. At least you realised the error of your ways and will in future, hopefully will be aware and beware. Have a good one*smiley*.
over-exposure… we all have had the fakers … more important is to ask why we were so desperate to have it work ??? maybe it is our inner loneliness … and that should be addressed and not the sadness of the people who really trusted someone who would take it to the penultimate …for those people and their families my true symapathies
Wow! I can really see myself in this article. Doesn’t happen that often. Thanks!
I relate completely, and I think it’s part of the gay condition – we feel we have to prove ourselves because of the social criticism of our lifestyle (there’s another article about that here, but I haven’t read it yet) and our consequent low self-image. It;s called homo-negativity; the unusual trait that even gay people have some internatlised homophobia – “I can’t stand screaming queens”, “I’m straight-acting”. So we NEED affirmation from others. but ultimately end up with soul-destroying nights in grungy clubs looking for love. But I speak for myself of course – some others are undoubtedly better adjusted. I’m addressing the issue by finally admitting my resultant alcoholism.
One tends to rely on the alcohol to boost one’s ego and it projects someone we are not
It never works and we become slaves – My best wishes to you and be strong
Breathe .. live and enjoy the journey … so what if we mess up every now and then? It is seriously complicated being human, not achieving perfection all of the time is really not that serious.
Bruce, You forgot to add devastatingly handsome to your list of flaws. Every time I see you out in a club you’re in a hurry to get…somewhere. I figure it’s cos you’re famous through your acting and am intimidated to say hi. I used to be a slave to the voice inside my head a while back. I got some professional help. I know that sounds patronising but this idea that we can make it in isolation is so …. er 1900’s.
Oddly enough,that’s why I’m here on the Meetmarket, to find that one amazing (business school graduate!) that will tell me how amazing I am.
Thanks so much for the amazing responses and feedback. I really appreciate it.
Very well written and witty piece. Thanks for sharing. hate to say this but I personally am not even THINKING of finding any dates on a social networking sites. I am in fact not dating anymore period. As a gay man I feel my life is threatened by simply stepping out the front door for being gay… guess I will send that application to the Nunnery after all…. Looks like a very lonely life ahead for me….wonder where is the human rights in all of this….! God only knows!
It is indeed clever writing – Some people are happy to be on their own – we are all different. however you do not appear to be satisfied with your single status and feel unsafe – Make a point of doing some deep self analysis and I’m sure you will find plenty of positives – keep an open mind and relax – go with the flow but think before you act – Your Intuition is a wonderful guide.
My best wishes to you for the future
Good piece Bruce, you certainly struck a chord in many hearts today. As gay men we tend to be overly critical of ourselves, after all the negative stuff we hear about the gay community while growing up it’s hardly surprising that none of us want to be associated with ‘those people’. We end up looking for approval in our relationships which tend to be hot and heavy in the beginning with melodramatic vows of forever knowing very well that the meaning behind those promises will fizzle out faster than a match in bucket of water. Hopefully with time we learn more about ourselves and become comfortable with who we really are and not care too much about the impressions we think we should be projecting to the people around us. You are on the right road; keep on, ur not alone in this journey.
So very well written, I so wish I could see myself through the eyes of those who love me… I must be doing something right cause there are many…as Mr Little I am quite sure do you…we live in complex times with the strangest of dynamix …. you have the ability to create your own reality. When I see someone that seemingly has it all feel so similar to me it gives me hope…. thank you for that….
Well written. I see many a person in this article, but I must be honest and say I don’t understand why people choose to be lonely, instead of looking for Mr.Hot why not try look for Mr. Right-For-Me?
A fantastic read – I do believe that one should be comfortable and confident in one’s own skin before we can begin to love someone else.
I have also learnt that your measure of love for someone is not the same from them in response – it cannot be quantified. One does tend to think that special person must love you the same as set by your standards.
You have experienced something which is good as life is one large learning curve – thank goodness
We need to , although often don’t , understand the consequences of our actions and act consciously but we are fallible human beings with a soul , beating heart and all the feelings and emotions that go with it.
Take good care of yourself
Bruce, thank you for a deeply frank, intimate and honest portrayal of yourself. It takes tremendous courage to publish a piece like this and I hope that it goes some way to act as catharsis for you. Who knows, maybe now, by being honest, just the right guy may come your way! Good luck & best wishes
Fantastic article. It really got me thinking about my own baggage and my need to plan the wedding the minute I meet someone. Still we all soldier on….
This is beautiful. I can relate my experiences to this article. I think this article represents the struggles of an average gay man!
i’m in my mid 30’s and i think that if you can survive this, then in time you will most likely outgrow it. i think the path charts something like this – 1st we’re embroiled in romantic blah-blahs with others, then we introspect, then we emerge as solidly constructed personalities. this process provides us with a “hook” with which to latch onto all of life’s worthwhile adventures (love, creativity etc.) it’s only once we’ve given up on hitching a ride, that we start enjoying the walk.
Bruce,
It is from this journey, that I have become wealthy, a wealth that no money can afford.
A wonderfull step to self-discovery and realization of my own uniquenes, it is undescribable!
Experience it as a great adventure.
Christo/
As honest an article as I have ever read on a gay website. Bravo!
I was thinking to myself I’ve got sexy arm, a flat stomach, nice ass pretty well packed ( so I’ve been told) and a face u can put in a magazine yet still Im finding it hard to find a decent guy. Even very Hot guys r going through this too
That’s so true ! Guys arent guys anymore , they are just looking for lust
Well said.it’s a true reflection of what most gay guy’s are going through.it’s raw and beautiful,at least i now know that i’am not the only one going through hardships. Big up’s
So true, so true….
Bruce, I have just spent a week in the bush,, and found it was a wonderful way to ‘find’ oneself again. living in the concrete jungle, one gets pulled into all the meaningless activities that make up our lives, we forget who and what is real, and end up floundering.
I for one, have come back, with a whole new feeling of who and what I am, and intend to follow through, when I say new, I really mean, refound that lost person, with morels, and values. someone who is worth more than the ‘one nighter’. and if that means I go to bed alone, so be it. my self esteem is worth a lot more.
hope you find your lost self……
I’m still into old-fashioned romance. Any time electronic sex-pests bug me I simply tell them to “Kindly put it in the box”.
We need to get back to basics. Get to grips with things that really matter in life. We have all lost the plot and I think this article does put things back into perspective. Old-fashioned values, ambitious and a go-getter here but I still find myself experiencing what Bruce went through when it come to love. . .
Bruciata Jesus loves you!
The thing about speaking of these things Bruce is that you realise pretty quickly that a large chunk of the population is experiencing or has experienced similar. I find that comforting. It somehow highlights how pointless these insecurities are and as long as we we keep them to ourselves, we allow them to isolate us from the discovery. I agree that self love is the key, if we can get that voice in our heads to repeat positive things about ourselves by rote then eventually we may actually begin to believe. A case of faking it till you make it as it were, well that’s been my experience anyway. Once that self esteem”s built up, it’s pretty difficult to let people into your life that make you feel shit about yourself and, that I think is definitely a step towards getting the right person into your life.