DATING’S RACISM MINEFIELD
Dating sites are the lazy-man’s bar. There is no social pressure for niceties. You’re free to ignore greetings from people you are not attracted to, and hit on those you think are out of your league without even fixing your hair. It’s judgement at its most unforgiving. You can browse through other human beings like they’re t-shirts in a catalogue.
Some people get hurt by the bluntness of dating sites, but it can also be refreshing. I’ve always appreciated the frank profiles. It means you know what you’re dealing with. You save yourself having to sit through all those awkward dates with people you know you will never want to see again. Sometimes there’s a truth that resonates with you in the way they phrase their honesty. And in return for the candour, you can be quite open about what you’re after too, in a way that you could never do face to face: a quick fuck, a friendship with benefits, or the love of your life.
But there is one thing that irks me every time I see it. Despite being wondrously frank, it makes me immediately lose interest. More than that, it makes me feel anxious for humanity. It’s that loud, caps-locked warning to certain races not to bother applying. Now that’s a criterion I can imagine sitting quite comfortably on the Orania town hall speed-dating register, but not on the screens of young, urban South Africans in 2011. It horrifies me that there are still people out there who can be so shamelessly racist.
But when I brought this up with a friend, he told me not to be so judgemental: “You can’t force yourself to be attracted to people you aren’t attracted to,” he said. “It’s not racism. It’s just personal taste.” And that got me thinking, when is personal taste offensive and when is it okay?
I have never specified race on a dating profile, but I’m pretty cut-throat within my own race-group: I am almost guaranteed not to be interested in blonde guys, for example. I like olive skin and dark hair. And that has the unsurprising consequence of giving me a thing for coloured guys. Would it be okay to exclude blondes explicitly? And to say only coloured guys should message me? Is specifying a race okay as long as it’s not your own race that you’re limiting yourself to?
In my quest to play Devil’s Advocate and remove my prejudice against those I find distastefully prejudiced, I started asking myself: What determines attraction, anyway? Is it socialised into us by our context? In which case can I just blame Apartheid for it, and cut everyone some slack for seeing the world like that. That would also explain why I never saw those race warnings on profiles when I lived in the UK.
“To assume that you will never feel that connection with an entire group of people implies a level of dislike for that group…”
But is it that British guys are more enlightened and open-minded than we are? Or is it simply that they don’t encounter different races as often as we do, so don’t feel the need for the warnings (and just live out their preferences in how they respond)? Or is it that in the UK race does not correlate so strongly with culture? If you’re black and British, you’re culturally identical to someone who is white and British. You’ll find the same jokes funny, have the same high school memories.
While I hope we are at last on the road to a shared South African experience, we are still a long way from it. People of different race groups here often speak different home languages, have vastly different contexts and cultures and family structures. Is it the thought of introducing a different-race boyfriend to raised-in-Apartheid parents that puts so many people off? They have to deal with a gay son already – wouldn’t that push them over the edge?
But then wouldn’t that only put off those who are looking for a relationship? What about those who check the other, more casual, less likely-to-involve parents boxes?
There is a lot of baggage with race in South Africa. Everyone is hypersensitive to it. I guess it probably is easier to sleep with and have relationships with people of the same race. But where is the fun in doing what’s easy? Where is the potential to transform your life?
A (black and Xhosa) friend of mine told me the other day how he had been so nervous to meet his then boyfriend’s (white and Afrikaans) parents, but that when he did, they were more upset about his vegetarianism than his race. They had all laughed around the braai, and the tension was immediately broken. People get over the awkwardness of our divided past, our cultural differences are much exaggerated, and there’s certainly no point restricting your options for love because of it.
Try as I might, I cannot shake the feeling that those who specify race on their profiles are not doing it for their parents. They are not doing it because they are nervous of cultural misunderstanding. I suspect it’s much more knee-jerk than that: it’s the unwillingness to get intimate with someone from a different race.
The moral dilemma comes up, I suppose, because there is a difference between being sexually attracted to someone and liking them as a person. That’s pretty obvious. I like my mom, but I sure as hell don’t want to have sex with her. There is also a difference, therefore, between being sexually repelled by someone, and disliking them. But to what extent are those two things intertwined? And is one acceptable and the other not?
My friend, presumably, is arguing that disliking a whole group of people is racist but not being attracted to them is fine. But I would argue that attraction is an individual matter – it can’t be generalised, and it can’t be predicted. You never know who you will find attractive. Sometimes there is chemistry, sometimes there isn’t. To assume that you will never feel that connection with an entire group of people implies a level of dislike for that group.
Perhaps I should cut these people some slack. But then, the rule of dating sites is brutal judgement in order not to waste anyone’s time. If I’m going to be writing off swathes of people for my short list, I choose to write off those who negotiate the world by race. Thinking that someone’s race is an important aspect of who they are is racism in my book, and I already know we won’t get on. I’m going to allow myself that one prejudice.
And while we’re at it, I’ll open up a spot for a blonde guy on my bucket list too.
Curious. What if I’m white and don’t like dating whites?
Yes!. Finally…someone who has written about it! I am not white and find it extremely offensive being rebuffed by white guys purely because of my race. It makes me feel inferior and less worthy…which is ridiculously seeing as I am generally a confident and self-assured person. And I have only ever been rebuffed by white guys for this reason. I have never experienced it with other races. I think in SA race is hugely loaded…and it is never in the sexual sphere “just personal preference”…not in SA…not with our history.
Surely if it was “just personal preference” this kind of thing would be somewhat evenly distributed across the population and across the race groups. But why then is it disproportionately (but I admit not exclusively!) among white guys? I have my theory but don’t feel like being attacked so I’ll keep it to myself for now…
im open. i dont mind the colour of your skin. whats most important is the honesty of your heart. thats what stands the test of time, the willingless to love someone unconditionally, which is what i expect and what im willing to give. love yourself regardless of what anyone else might think.
Great article Mr Mackay. Personally while it does piss me off to see such exclusions listed on profiles, I can’t help but be be grateful for the clear mark, of a flawed personality type, that I’d much rather steer clear off anyway.
I wonder if these individuals live in isolation because it is a fundamental truth that regardless of your cultural background, the more you mix with seemingly very different people, the more you find that actually we have more in common than not. The fact that such a prejudiced and inflexible mindset exists amongst a group that is itself the focus of horrendous prejudice is ironic and frankly just very sad.
RACE AND DATING. I agree, one doesn’t know when “chemistry” kicks in and those that exclude others on skin colour can only be throw-backs to the dark ages.
One does have preferences naturallly, I’m white but I think that the naked, young well kept black body is a most beautiful thing. But that does’t mean that I must specify ‘BLACKS ONLY” because – well, really – there are some naked black bodies which are pretty awful to see in the day-light, just as there are some white bodies.
open minded. if people want to be stuck being narrow minded, they will miss out on the rare and great opportunity of meeting possibly the love of their love. love is blind, everyone. thats what makes love so great. to love unconditionally, to accept one another as we are. stop being so judgmental, because believe me if the shoe was on the other foot, you might not like what you hear. we as a human race need to learn to love and accept, especially in the gay community because we know all about being judge unfairly. we should know better. then hell yeah do the right thing! God made all of us, baby, we are born this way, we are special all of us and dont let anyone tell you different.
whites only. so glad this have been brought up…especially when profiles have “whites only”…immediately evokes images of apartheid era restaurants and public facilities…people should be a bit more sensitive to this…its disgusting,,,at very least keep ur preference to yourself and rather not reply
Horizons. I agree with your comments that this is largely South African specific.
I have spent large blocks of time abroad and find people to be more accepting, tolerant and embracing of other races and culture.
Also one needs to remember, these sites are generally used for sexual encounters which granted you may only prefer with certain people, that preference however may completely dissapear as you get to know someone, but i guess with 99% of the people on a “dating” website that is not really the intention.
Is it really race or class. Dating is a scary world as it is. And given the history of our country it will take time for knowledge to translate to change. Exposure is the best education I find. We become prejudice because we lack knowledge and exposure. Another great part of this equation is the fact that we as the homosexual community are the classist group I know and that determines who and what you get exposed to ultimately. Nonetheless, having dated a Jewish man as a Black man, I know that people a bit apprehensive initially,however, when they get to know you for the person you are beyond colour, a revelation comes about. Gay people, please expose yourself to meeting people beyond the colour of the skin, if for anything, do it for yourself.
Question to the author. So how many men of colour have you been with?
Racist!. It’s Racism… How can you assume that a whole racial group is homogenous? We may have went to the same school, watched the same television programmes growing up, go to the same restaurants and laugh at the same jokes, but you won’t reply to my messages because I’m not White?? I can understand cultural differences, but let’s not make sweeping assumptions.
That’s as racist as it gets…
Black guys do the same. There are many black guys on Mamba’s meet market show state – black only, or white only. Is that also racist then? Come on, some people don’t like people with red hair, some don’t like people who are too loud or too femme or fat or whatever, It’s just a preference.
It is worldwide – just look at porn sites even. Why do you get distinctions on porn sites then e.g. “ebony”, “asian”, “brazilian”, “east european” etc etc … preference. And it is worldwide.
Sexism?. By the same logic, if we exclude women from our profiles we can then be called sexist?
Afterall, women are people too with feelings which can get hurt and good hearts and blah blah blah…
Seriously, this is taking political correctness too far.
I’ve never found men of other races than myself attractive, does that mean I’m a racist? Please… it just means I have a preference.
I’d rather be up front about it than waste someone’s time just by having them go through the exercise of me inevitably turning them down.
I’ll concede that it can be handled differently than a “Whites only” phrase on a profile. Just as one would be more sensitive when turning a guy with geeky glasses and bad breath down…
6 of 1, half dozen of the other. would the statement “only CAUCASIANS need apply” count as racist? dogs are domesticated animals (pets). cats are domesticated animals (pets). dogs and cats (pets) do not mate and/or mingle with each other. To be frank, I’ve slept with a coloured guy (thank you, alcohol), and no, there will be no further need to go there again! for fuck’s sake, if it suits the world, allow me to choose who I like and who don’t! And if you want to call me racist (and that makes you sleep at night and think the world is perfect) go ahead. I will, however, specify certain qualifying criteria for any interested parties. Thank you for understanding.
hey there…. now you use dogs and cats to make your point? Haibo!
Whatever. You probably are racist, how can you not care to be called “racist”? Such things should worry you as a person, especially coming from you yourself. That’s such a horrible tag dude. Just say he wasn’t good, no colour specified (did you may be think that the poor coloured dude wasn’t into you?) No one should be forced to like anything or to be into anything but geez there is ways of putting things across. And the way we put things across is what shows our true colours.
Racist. … and so based on one drunken experience you judge that all coloured guys are no good?
That is racist by any definition
Speaking from the Opposing Side. I can speak from the other side, while I have never put on my profile and won’t ever that I don’t want black guys, I do understand it and feel the same way.
It is not a dislike for black guys nor is it an unwillingness. The truth is I have never simply found myself attracted to a black guy, if I did, I would date him no problem. So if I find that guy, he is cute to me and we get along bring it on. However I just haven’t found one I am attracted to.
It’s not that I don’t like them, I have many friends who are black and are the best people I know and they would be the best people to date, and if I was attracted to them I would date them.
It’s just for some reason I don’t know, maybe it is the Apartheid style we grew up in influence, I find myself not attracted to them no matter how much I try, the same way I find myself not attracted to women no matter how much I tried when I was younger.
Truthfully I do wish I didn’t have this non-attraction, but it is there. If I do find a black guy I’m attracted, I will date him no problems. I just knoq at this point in my life, I have yet to find even one I’m attracted to, as disgusting as that limitation I myself find it.
…. you sir (the author), are good *wink* To those who don’t “get” it, good luck. You’ve just been sold apples by it being called peas.
Racism an dating.. Humans are multi-dimensional and multi-levelled beings. There is the outer covering which we as men, a very visually stimulated sex, tend to respond to first, before we feel the need to explore the level of personality of the other person. So I will stick to this level of physical appearence in my argument.
Skin color, tone, eye colour, hair texture and last but not least, the promise of a particular penis size that tends to go with certain skin colours/races, are all part of that outer covering. If we think touching, holding and rubbing against these “charecteristics” give us a level of sexual pleasure then we tend to think that diffrent charecteristics will bring less, too little or none of that pleasure and so we tend to want to keep away from it.
But how do we get to construct these stereotypes for ourselves in the first place? The way we are socialized from an early age. And the more encounters we have with only one set of charecteristics the more the bias for that set and against the other set is cemented in our thinking. So perhaps preference for one race over the other is for the most part a function of ignorence and lack of courage to challenge our own stereotypes.
But what of someone like myself who has challenged himself and crossed the great divide (hehehe) of race and culture, but still finds the experience of rubbing against, smelling and stroking one skin colour and hair texture and butt shape and firmness more pleasurable that the other? There are physical differences that come with different races and we do tend to respond differently to them becaue they feel dfferently to our touch, and black people generally having bigger penises than whites is not a myth, its a scientific fact and if penis size is one of the charecteristics that are important to you, you will look for the race that normally carries that size at the exclusion of the rest.
no fats/femmes etc. Online dating is a minefield, fullstop. It allows people to be rude without consequence, but it does often expose people’s true nature.
So apart from racial distinctions, if I see no fats/femmes, straight acting only, no oldies, no twinks etc, Bareback only, chems, I just move on. It does save time.
but. But what’s rude specifying what you do not want in a lover?
because …. You need to walk in the otherv guys shoes, especially in SA because of ourv history of LEGISLATED racism. Try to be sensitive to the readers’ feelings. Take the job market at the moment – many whites get seriously pissed off when they read an ad that says ‘historically disadvantaged groups will have an advantage’, imagine the reaction if an advert said ‘whites need not apply’, they would burn the house down (and the advert would be illegal).
Why can’t you say that you prefer slim built people, or fair skinned peope? It is less offensive and carries the same meaning?
Sexual Objects. This is heavy one. I might get in trouble for this but here goes:
I have generally been attracted to Black guys. My attraction, however went beyond just the physical aspect but unfortunately my expectations were seldom met. I find that black guys are less likely to want a committed relationship. If they say they do in the long run all you have to deal with is drama. Still, I preferred dating black over any other race.
Then a met this white dude who was everything I ever needed in a companion. He enjoyed travelling, was driven and most of all he did not have “closet issues” as most black guys seem to do. He wanted to be my boyfriend in every sense of the word. He provided me with the love and understanding that I thought was all I needed to be happy BUT I wasnt. I found myself constantly wishing he was black. It would certainly have made easier for me to introduce to my friends and family without them. Anyway we broke up and I never white guys after him.
Now about few years later I find myself single. The longest relationship I have had of late has been atleast 5 months. So, I figured maybe I should give the white guy this a chance again. That’s when the problem started. For all the white guys who would send me a message 90% would ask for my dick size or make some sexual advance before even bothering to get my name.
Nothing wrong with that, we all like sex (I do too) but the whole situation of being only seen as this sexual object with a huge dick is more racist to me than anyone just saying the prefer a certain race over others. I find it insulting that the only way these white guys thought of me as a black guy was in those demeaning terms. I work hard, am educated and have a lot about me that is interesting beyond the notion that I am black therefore I must have a huge dick to serve the master.
I know it’s not fair but because of that I have found myself turned of by the idea of responding to a white guy on dating site especial if they are of a certain age. Hey, maybe I have missed the chance to meet the love of my life by doing that but it sure beats having to constantly tell guys on these sites that you are not a rent boy and your dick size is none of their business.
wow I have dated a black guy too and its the same as dating a white guy. well hey guys I have dated white guys and black and indian too so they are all the same as every one and I dont see any thing wrong dateing any one in that case just as long as you are not faking it .but
but if you are faking it. but if you are faking it well I have news to tell you I will not take that shit or I am not willing to just go for a night stand coz I dont see any thing interesting about that .so if you want to get to know me then get to know me as friends frist then see where it goes,.
racism. i prefer black but wont exclude the possibility of other races.P.S. Ive date white men before and its the same thing.
yes indeed its the same. hey raabes yes in fact its the same weather you are dating a black guy or white its the same .I love dating all Races .
Race. The races were never meant to mix: different races produce different pheromones, people of one race or ethnicity are not meant to be attracted to people of another race and vice versa. This is biology in it’s simplest form. It is in our DNA. The modern world has complicated this with the underlying political agenda of the day; the simple people of this plant have bought into this equality nonsense and go out of their way to involve different races in more than just sex. Education is the next topic: races differ on educational ability: (hint) the ever decreasing entrace for university application in SA and around the world! Goodbye, good luck.
Racism. Speaking as a 57 year old “fat”, I reckon we are eliminated by more ads than any other group. Frustrating, yes, but we are conditioned by our consumerist society which defines (and makes) ‘young and beautiful’ the object of our desire.
We live in an imperfect world and people are imperfect: sometimes shallow in their judgements, sometimes bigots; c’est la vie.
A personals advert, in the same way as a job advert, is part of a selection process which profiles the “right person for the position”, so the selection process by defintition eliminates certain INDIVIDUALS from consideration.
However, the fact that one eliminates an entire group from your range of choices constitutes prejudice because it does not allow for individual qualities to be taken into account.
The essence is that an INCLUSIVE defintition which specifies what is desireable is not prejudice. So an ad aimed at blonde guys with blue eyes is not, on the face of it, racist.
So Jewish guys who want to meet Jewish guys for religous or dietary considerations are not being bigotted. Likewise certain language groups may choose their own for very good and acceptable reasons.
When I see racism in an ad, it tells me that the advertiser lacks certain values dear to me (in this case non racialism) and I would not want to associate with him.
It is wise to regard an advert as saying as much about the writer as the reader.
A matter of preference. Lol so now we’re not meant to exclude fatties or have any peresonal preference whatsoever?
Get real people. This is just taking political correctness to a whole new level.
I’m not going to mercy screw someone from another race to portray myself as liberal and openminded when I have no sexual attraction whatsoever to them. C’mon.
So what if I have a taste in men that suits me? Now you’re all trying to convince us that this is wrong and somehow I’m a narrowminded inferior subhuman for being this way?
Yes, obviously one shouldn’t go around saying insensitive things like whites only on profiles – however, you should be able to make it clear what your tastes are without it causing much offence
Everyone has a certain taste, just accept it and move along. Nothing wrong with that.
not rocket science, people. The right to equality does not exist to make us all the same. It exist for the very reason that we are different and have different preferences, cultures, religions, languages. You are free to live your own uniqueness WITHOUT being judged and discriminated for it. As long as in doing so, you respect the rights of others to do the same. Therefore, if I only want to date skinny white blond 19 year olds, I am free to do so. But contrarily that does not give me the right to slate overweight black 40 year olds.
What is so difficult to understand about this?
Lines are meant to be crossed. I don’t believe in barriers and I don’t believe that there are lines in the world of dating that shouldn’t be crossed. Broaden your experience, learn about others, their tastes and smells and cultural differences. Don’t just step out of your comfort zone: spend time there. Learn to become comfortable with that which is other, that which is different. Prejudice dies that way. Bigotry cannot survive with such an attitude.
We all have preferences yes, and for some they are racially motivated. Is it racist for a black man to prefer only other black men? Or is it a lack of experience? Or a typical South African chip on his shoulder? Then, is it racist for a caucasian South African to prefer his own race? What then about the white South African who only dates black men? Is that motivated by repressed racial guilt? And so on. Make a conscious effort to expand your horizons and many other barriers in your thinking will fall.
Personally I’m not that great with overly effeminate men, but I can be honest and say that I have met many that I admire and some that I would not have minded dating. And so I have. It didn’t last, but that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t deeply affected by his courage and determination to be who he was, come hell or high water. Don’t spend too much time being fixated on body types either. Nature’s green is gold but it fades quickly, and rare is the relationship that lasts when it is only based on sex. Rather find and meet a kindred spirit than one youth or pop culture obsessed.
For myself, I want someone who values and loves me for me and chooses to be with me as opposed to being with anyone else. No matter what their skin colour, cultural background, body type, or age.
Race does not matter but culture does. I am not racist but culture matters to me. As a coloured I prefer my men dark. Yes that means Indian and Black men are in for the taking. My only concern is culture. I grew up in a western home. We eat, work, sleep and study. Problems are problems and luck just luck. Devine intervention, prayers, ancestors, slaughtering and burning of incense is a massive turn off for me. Its one of the things I am just not willing to tolorate. I have tried however, but sadly enough its something I just cannot stand.
my dear .. my dear not every thing is about culture now days so really now dont just fucus on culture so what you must fucus on now is how you do feel about white guys too you know I mean seriously I have dated white and indian and black guys becouse they are the best ever I had dated so next time dont fucus on culture ok this is the new genartion of Sa where we can date who ever you feel like.
kenneth
good. article
.
up in arms for what?. Hey people nobody wants to change your personal preference. You only dig a particular race group? cool.
Just don’t advertise it offensively, ok?
You get a message from a guy not suiting your criteria – Don’t reply! Simple.
hey point. hey point I must agree with you 100% there with you plus hey I have dated a black guy and it went well so if I had to date some one then I will no matter what the race is .
Kenneth
Different folks different strokes.. I hate preachy articles like this. Oh wow the author must think his point of view is really superior to others?
What a waste of time to read this pseudo Carey Bradshaw drivel.
RESPONSETO DUH. One despairs. Here we have a country where we’re all trying to find each other but with racism around every corner and MacKay tries to look for a path through the morass by putting across a pretty valid point of view to agree with or didagree with.
And Duh, intellectual” fellow as he is, writes it all off as a preachy article that’s a waste of time to read????
Can we presume he is a white guy?
Response to CAPSLOCK senior. “Can we presume he is a white guy?”
RACIST.
And regarding the rest of your yawney response….
You do realise that the fundamental presumption of this holier-than-thou article is that it is racist to have a colour preference when it comes to “dating” men.
Luckily there are still sane people out there who don’t buy into that and realise that it’s ok to know what you like and what you want to have when it comes to men.
Seriously, having preferences does not equal making you a racist.
Theres hope!!. I used to buy into this personal taste bullshit as well. Back when I was living in New Zealand and there were no black people around. Also I looked down on people of Indian origin ( as I am) for being too conservative so had no desire to jump into bed with any of them. Then I moved to London and forced myself to look at other guys. I discovered what really turns me on and looked for it in anyone- and slowly I saw it it oriental guys, Arab guys, black guys etc…. so what Im saying is that attraction IS socialised therefore ( especially growing up in SA). It is racialised. BUT it can change. If someone says that I dont do X cos its my personal taste then deep down they habour racialised ways of looking at people and they are not willing to try to look differently.